I just don’t know if I can do this anymore.
Photo by Cameron Clark
This question is from a wedding planner:
I've been following you for a number of years and have purchased your Splendid Insights reports in the past. I saw you are giving complimentary advice to wedding pros during this time so I thought I would reach out.
To start, I personally was supposed to get married this Spring and as a wedding pro finally getting to have my special day and then it getting ripped from me, I took it really hard. We rescheduled to next year, so silver lining there.
Our current state has made me reconsider if I really want to be a self-employed wedding planning business owner.
I've noticed over the past five weeks of being quarantined how difficult it is for me to stay motivated to keep doing the actual work of my wedding planning business – reaching out to vendors, checking in with brides, etc.
I know I should probably give myself a little grace during this time but it makes me wonder how much of it is quarantine getting to me versus my genuine lack of desire to do my job?
Weddings in my area are super seasonal – Spring and Fall are our high seasons. If Coronavirus cancels Fall wedding season, I just don't know if I can do this anymore.
I'm also self aware enough to point out one of my weaknesses – I am not a designer and that makes me feel like not a good wedding planner.
I'm creative enough to put together the basic aesthetics of a wedding, but I feel like my lack of design eye is preventing me from propelling my business forward. I feel like so many of these 'high-design' wedding planning companies are succeeding because that's what people are saving/sharing on social media.
I spent SO many years dreaming and wanting to be self-employed and I think it's wild right now I'm considering giving it up and maybe going back to the corporate world or going to work for someone else.
I'd love to hear your feedback on my situation. Appreciate all you are doing for the wedding industry during this sh*t storm!
Answer from Liene:
I am so sorry you had to postpone your own wedding – what an incredibly difficult situation on top of all the other stress that Covid has brought our way.
You won’t always feel your passion, but that doesn’t mean it’s no longer there. Everyone I know in the wedding industry has periods of time where they want to pack it in and go back to a steady paycheck and being able to push the responsibility of making the hardest decisions to someone else’s desk.
This feeling generally passes – sometimes because of spending quality time with industry friends and peers at a conference, sometimes because of a really great wedding that reminds you why you got into this business in the first place, and sometimes because it just goes away as time moves forward.
What you need to figure out is whether you’re just slightly burnt out or whether these feelings are solely pandemic induced or whether you’re getting a true sense that it’s time to wind down and pursue a different path.
This can be an especially confusing time to figure out which is which, but there are some things you can do to help gain some clarity:
THE HALT METHOD
When it comes to making decisions, it’s generally wise to follow the HALT Method guidelines which say that you should hold off on making a decision if you are:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Following this method fully right now may not be feasible since most of us are experiencing the last three states to varying degrees, with no idea when this will pass.
It can still help, though, to clock where we’re at emotionally and see if we should eat lunch, use a meditation app, do a YouTube workout, hop on a Zoom call with some friends, or take a nap before deciding to make a big change.
These things won’t alleviate all of our big feelings right now, but they can help lessen the stress a bit.
CLARITYSHEETS™
It would also be easy to say “trust your gut,” but I’m not sure that advice is the most appropriate for your situation.
Some of the common symptoms of stress include procrastination, loss of motivation, memory issues such as “foggy” thinking, and “hamster wheel” worrying where you think about something constantly yet don’t progress anywhere.
Because you’re under stress right now, it’s important for you to be able to look at the questions you have as objectively as possible.
You can use the free CLARITYSHEET™ on Thinking Through An Issue from Think Splendid to help you think through everything in a clear, focused way so that you can make a thoughtful decision.
This particular CLARITYSHEET™ will help you determine when the issue comes up and what’s causing it (for example: lack of motivation to do the job), and help you think through the pros and cons of several different solutions.
YOUR 10 YEAR PLAN FOR A REMARKABLE LIFE
In addition, the famous designer and branding expert Debbie Millman (creator of the Burger King logo as well as Tropicana’s packaging) has an exercise called “Your 10 Year Plan for a Remarkable Life” where you write out a day in your dream life 10 years from now. Others have tried to pass this exercise off as their own, but it originated with Debbie and is something she’s taught her graduate students for years.
She describes it at the end of a podcast interview with Tim Ferris and I’m including a transcript of that part of the conversation here (with updated years):
“So let's say it is Spring 2030. What does your life look like? What are you doing? Where are you living? Who are you living with? Do you have pets? What kind of house are you in? Is it an apartment are you in the city are you in the country? What does your furniture look like? What is your bed like? What are your sheets like? What kind of clothes do you wear? What kind of hair do you have?
Tell me about your pets, tell me about your significant other, do you have children? Do you have a car? Do you have a boat? Talk about your career. What do you want? What are you reading? What are you making? What excites you? What is your health like?
And write this day, this one day ten years from now. So one day in the Spring of 2030, what does your whole day look like? Start from the minute you wake up, brush your teeth, have your coffee or tea, all the way through until the minute you tuck yourself in at night. What is that day like for you?
Dream big dreams without any fear. Write it all down. You don’t have to share it with anyone other than yourself. Put your whole heart into it. And write like there is no tomorrow; write like your life depends on it because it does.
And then read it, once a year, and see what happens.
It’s magic.”
While you don’t have to make all the decisions that support that life now, it is helpful to look and see if any of what you’re doing now will prevent that life from happening. This may give you some clarity on next steps regarding your own business.
Now, I know that COVID has proven that we don’t have control over what life sends our way, but we can still plan for the life we want.
Maybe a change this experience adds to your 10 year ideal scenario is you decide you want to save more than the typically advised 4-6 month emergency fund. Maybe you want to have 12 months worth stashed away for your own peace of mind.
You can still dream of, plan for, and work toward your version of a remarkable life, even with the knowledge that life is never fully ours to control.
TAKING CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
If you’re feeling like you can’t get a handle on whatever anxiety or depression you may be experiencing, there is no shame in talking to a doctor to see if medication might make sense.
I am a firm believer in “better living through chemistry” and if you need medication, then it’s okay to give your brain what it needs. If you needed heart medication you would take it, if you needed chemo you would get the treatments – yet when it comes to the brain not producing enough of the right types of chemicals and hormones, so many people decide they can just muscle through it with willpower.
Exercise, nutrition, meditation, SAD lamps, journaling, affirmations, and bath bombs in the shower to create an at-home spa experience are all worth doing, but if they aren’t enough to help you shake the extra gray right now, it’s worth having a conversation with a doctor to see what they think.
You can also use a telemedicine service like Dr. on Demand – they will not just hand out a prescription like candy, so you don’t have to worry about that. If it’s not what you need, they will tell you. (They also offer online therapy, with better qualified, more experienced psychiatrists and psychologists than you may find on the other apps.)
YOU CAN ALWAYS CHANGE YOUR MIND
If you choose to close your business, know that it doesn’t have to be a forever decision. You can launch again. You won’t necessarily be able to pick up where you left off, but you will be able to do it again in the future.
There are people who worked in the corporate world, left to open their own wedding business, closed their business and went to work for someone else, then later on reopened their business and are currently thriving.
There are also several wedding planners who closed hugely successful businesses in order to be home with their kids during the teen years and then restarted again when their kids went off to college. They had to navigate some changes in the wedding industry and a new competitive landscape, but their skills, knowledge and experience were still relevant.
These types of decisions can feel final, but they don’t have to be. There’s nothing stopping you from reopening your business in the future if you want to.
DEALING WITH IMPOSTER SYNDROME
Please do not feel like you are a bad wedding planner if design is not your core strength. Some of the very best (and highest paid) planners in the wedding industry are not strong at the design side – they partner with event designers to make everything happen.
Sometimes they give credit to the designer and sometimes they take credit with the understanding that the designer is creating this on behalf of the wedding planner. There’s also a third issue at play behind the scenes: wedding planners taking credit for an event designer’s work (and without their permission) has been an ongoing point of contention between the two groups for several decades.
I also wouldn’t be so quick to assume that the wedding companies you see on Instagram are successful. What we see online is not necessarily reflective of what’s happening behind the scenes. Many in the industry subscribe to a “fake it til you make it” marketing philosophy not realizing that that path rarely results in making it. Likes, saves, and shares don’t always translate to booking weddings.
If you feel like you’re not “good enough” as a planner, write out everything you’re good at as it relates to your job. Then write out ways you can collaborate with other colleagues to make up for any areas you feel weak in.
Ultimately the decision of whether or not to close your company doors is one you have to make for yourself. It’s a hard decision, but hopefully these tools and resources will help you think through every angle and make the choice that’s best for you and your soon-to-be-husband.
Questions from Wedding Pros
Have a question on a sticky client issue, running a wedding company, or an aspect of business you feel you should know by now yet don’t?
Liene is happy to weigh in with her trademark compassionate yet no-nonsense advice.
To submit a question to our Wedding Pro Q+A column, send us an email. We’ll keep you anonymous.
Written by
LIENE STEVENS
Liene Stevens, the founder and CEO of Think Splendid, is an author, speaker, and award-winning business strategist. Armed with $2000, a healthy work ethic, and an undeserved dose of privilege, Liene bootstrapped Think Splendid from a scribble in a notebook to a successful wedding business consulting firm with a client list spanning 97 countries.
